TENTATIVE FIRST STEPS

I long for things to be normal again but I know given all that has happened not only during the last three years but in the last few weeks, I will never be the same again. This is a certainty.  I can't go back though I often think I would like to curl up with a favourite issue of Oxygen or Clean Eating sipping my tea with Bob and loving my life.  Then I catch myself.  It is impossible.  I am not the same. It is also true that going back would be a disservice to the eventual unfolding of the universe that must occur if you and I are to evolve according to the higher plan.  Apparently I am evolving as the bumps have been significant.  People who have been through this tell me there is a silver lining, to believe in it and to persevere no matter what.  They promise it will get better.  My friends who have gone through bankruptcy and other hardships say it saved their lives physically, emotionally and financially and that it helps to clear the path for what is to come next.  I would not have included that in my plan if someone were to ask me - too much pain.  But what if the best is yet to come?  What if something had to be released in order for the "new thing" to be born.  My friends also say sometimes you have to wait for the silver lining "suffering through the crap" and remaining patient.  I can do that.

So this is one of those tests then.  I accept that it is and that I needed to learn something from this event.  That is how I handled the news of Braden's death, Bob's cancer  and eventually his death too.  I told myself there was something important in the way of a life lesson and that I must remain open to that message.  The same is true now.  I have kept myself very still in these days.  I am afraid I will otherwise miss the point of the lesson if there are too many distractions.  It's as if I am on hyper awareness mode always looking for signs, words, messages, symbols even conversations to guide me on.  I have saved all of the wonderful messages people have sent me, printed them and am keeping them in a book which I am building to keep as a record of the journey through this new part of my life just as I did with Bob's illness and passing.

When the day is too hard I find solace in my garden where the earth accepts the seeds I am planting and I can let my mind release.  I remember the thousands of you who have had your own challenges and have bravely worked through them to come out stronger on the other side.  Your love and support keep me focussed on finding the silver lining.  I haven't experienced anything as powerful as you, my community, who reach out from desk, bed or table side to help other community members and now me.  So I am here for you and you for me and there isn't anything more powerful than that.  We will all get through together and then, weeks or months from now, we will celebrate.  It really is the people - all of you, my friends, business partners and even strangers - who are carrying me now.  I have been astounded by the generous nature of so many of you.  The words and sentences you have shared have given me the courage I need to keep up the good fight.

Thank you for allowing me to be quiet when I needed to.  I am ready to take the next tentative steps.

Tosca