EAT-CLEAN LADY GETS CLEANED OUT

No one looks forward to the idea of having a colonoscopy unless you are motivated like me to dive deep and get a clean bill of health. I had done the complete prep once before but that very day in January 2012, as luck would have it, Bob became ill. There was no turning back. The colonoscopy would have to wait. Now that I am 54 years of age and essentially a prime candidate to have someone peer up my nether parts, I went for it. Why not? Right? If something untoward appears in the camera as it bends and turns, making its way north, the doc is right there with a pair of trusty hands and a very sharp scalpel at the ready to make any removals. I booked the date soon finding a package in the mail containing liquid dynamite. Well sort of. There were 2 packages of a crystalline powder and another bottle of calcium magnesium citrate along with a set of instructions as to how to take these. Having heard that the bowels turn to liquid and misbehave frequently with sudden onset, I wisely decided to stay at home in close range of the WC. Wise choice if I do say so myself. Liquid dynamite indeed. By the time I had drink the nasty TNT and abstained from eating for 24 hours I had dropped seven pounds, unintentionally of course. I certainly do not recommend this as a weight-loss tool by any means!

What I found interesting was the instruction to avoid several food items including anything deeply pigmented - beets, chlorophyll, all dairy products for at least three days before C-Day, and finally I had to avoid all seeds for a week. That last one was the most challenging for me because I eat a lot of seeds. I guess those little buggers get stuck in the terrain of the bowel. Imagine coming face to face with a bowel full of chia or flax. LOL!

When the morning of the scope arrived I was admitted to the "salon" whereupon I was given a lovely hospital gown, to be worn open to the back (did I really need that instruction?), a robe and a pair of slippers. With a wave of her hand the nurse guided me up onto the hospital bed and began her initial examination. She made doubly sure I had done my homework, reminding me the worst of the process was already over. I tended to agree with that but as I had no idea what the colonoscopy would feel like, I remained doubtful. She peered at my backside and with a wide grin placed some kind of plastic funnel into the appropriate spot and announced glibly, "That is to help pass gas."

"Oh!" I said. "I don't have gas."

She replied smugly, "You will. We will pump gas into your digestive tract to make it easier to see things."

She had to have the last word I guess.

A short drug vacation was administered which happily took affect en route to the procedure room. I felt woozy and limp and not altogether unpleasant despite said plastic funnel in said necessary opening. I found myself in a room with a large screen on the wall and various other medical bits and bobs but I appreciated the mood lighting. I figured the dim lighting would make my butt look better, or at least as good as it could given the situation. Shortly an official looking doctor appeared and explained what would happen. It didn't sound quite so terrible and frankly I just wanted him to get on with it but under one condition - I wanted to watch the screen so I could see what the scope saw. To put it another way, I wanted to look up my own @$$.

It was exciting to see what the inside of those 5 feet of large intestine looked like. I saw villi, bends, folds, and more. What I didn't see was polyps, ulcers or any other unusual growths. In short, I got a clean bill of health. The doctor told me to come back in ten years. All is well inside.

It is worth it folks. Don't let a little daunting preparation put you off. Ultimately, you want to know if your colon is healthy. Any sort of issues can be handled quickly and often right on the spot.

Let me know about your experience.

Love and hugs, Squeaky Clean, Tosca