TODAY I WAS REMINDED
Just over fifteen years ago, I was an obese person seeking a lost soul - that MIA soul was me. I had disappeared in a wave of emotional eating that included tubs of ice cream, jars of peanut butter and pounds of cheese. Submerged in that cloud of food, I forgot who I was, couldn’t find any shred of my formerly bouncy, smiling self. Didn’t even care anymore. Depressed? Indeed. My mom is visiting me this week and I asked her, “Mom, what was I like as a kid?” She told me I ran her off her feet, peppered her with questions relentlessly and needed loads of physical distractions to keep me out of trouble. It was when I got bored that she had to worry - then I would test her patience sorely. I was watching her face as she told me these things. She looked sad. My beautiful, nearly 80 year old mother, who knew starvation during her youth in Nazi occupied Holland, was never obese. For 6 years she and her family strove to find a meal. Afterwards when food was plentiful again, she became a student of traditional cooking methods. She wouldn't have approved of the disgusting eating habits I turned to in the secret sadness of my first marriage. It’s disgusting to me that I let her down that way. When I discovered Eating Clean and followed it up with weight training, I became myself again, if not a better version of myself. It was not without struggle however. The early days were filled with challenge as my children rebelled, wondering where their old, comfy mom had gone. When you make change it scares the heck out of people, especially your family because they worry that things will be different, somehow unbearable because of your change. It also makes people think about themselves and whether or not they are “good enough” and if they need to change too. The process of your change frightens them BUT that can’t be the reason not to follow through. I needed to heal myself. I needed to feel better, to shake the depression, the lack of will to live. I needed clean food to heal me so I persisted, quietly and stubbornly to Eat Clean and work my way back to health. It took a while before my daughters joined me in the Eat Clean lifestyle but they didn’t do it because I made them. I didn’t. I let them come to their own conclusions. What I did do was cook differently. Clean foods replaced processed foods. Clean foods were now the lifeblood of our meals. Small changes are always easier to swallow than hefty ones. One meal at a time, change was made. Most of the time I didn’t even tell them I was feeding them clean foods. Why alarm them? Look, I’ll be honest, I didn’t love myself as I was. I think it’s wrong to say we ought to love ourselves unconditionally when we know deep inside we are harming ourselves with our bad habits. Gorging myself was not loving myself. Gorging myself was not living to my highest potential. Gorging myself was not setting a brilliant example for my daughters. Gorging myself was snuffing the light out on my potential. Gorging myself was failing myself and my parents who had taught me better. Gorging myself was wasting the gifts God had given me. I had to stop because I wanted to love myself again. I was reminded of these things today when I looked into my mother’s eyes and saw the joy in her beautiful blue eyes, that I had found my way to a higher place of self worth. I was reminded that she had taught me well and that following this Eat Clean lifestyle had brought back her daughter. Mom never judged me. I judged myself. Mom was my biggest supporter but I let her down when I took my eating to the edge. To sit with her today and hold her hands, to feel her respect, that fills me with love and gratitude not only for her but that I had the courage to change. I still remember how I felt the day I decided to begin my journey back to health, wellness and a lean body. I gave myself a stern talking to, thought of my daughters and the shining example I could become for them, and gave myself a Boost to get going right then and there. And that is just what I did. I didn’t have a Boost program then but today I do and it was born out of that day, 15 years ago when I pushed myself out of the dark and into the light. I am always with you, listening, hearing and feeling what you are going through, ready to give you a Boost. I’ve been there. I’m still here. With you. For you. Love and hugs, Tosca
PS: Thank you to my beautiful daughter Kelsey-Lynn Corradetti for capturing this beautiful pic of Mom. I'm so blessed.